How to Respond If You Discover You're "Parenting" Your Partner

Do you and your partner have an equal role in your relationship? Maybe one of you has started to act more like a parent toward the other?

Codependency is a problem that frequently arises in parent-child relationships that develop between couples. This essentially means that one partner takes on a role much like that of a parent. This usually happens when issues arise involving patterns of behavior and missing or poor communication. The other partner at times may even begin to act like a child in various areas of their role in the relationship.

What does it look like to parent your partner?

Do each of you seek the other’s input before spending, saving, and making purchases. Or, does one have to ask for permission? Do you both have an equal say or is that not possible?

It becomes clear that the decision-making partner is acting authoritatively and not as a partner. They might eventually adopt a "that's my decision, and it's final" stance, showing parental or even disrespectful behavior in the process.

How does your relationship change due to the parent/child dynamic?

 You didn't sign up to parent your partner; instead, you wanted someone who would share responsibilities with you, be there for you both physically and emotionally, and be your true partner.

It's as frustrating for the individual playing the child role. After all, they didn't choose to be treated as a child, harassed about responsibilities, or even vocally or emotionally reprimanded when fail to meet expectations. 

Nobody likes being treated like a child or nagging their spouse like a parent. Even worse, there are times when the person in the role of the child will grow resentful of being treated like a child and will start "acting out" . This can lead to more anger, bitterness, and even arguments.

What can be done to change the relationship's parent-child dynamic?

Beyond the presumption that your spouse is immature or hasn't yet "learned" to be an adult, there are various other reasons you can find yourself in the "parent" role in a relationship.

Perhaps your parents' relationship was like this, or you were taught as a child that you would need to "teach" a possible spouse once you meet them. Another possibility is that you have struggled with worry, trauma, and instability all of your life and unintentionally tried to mold your spouse into the kind of person you require to feel secure and stable.

Is it possible that one of the people in the relationship struggles with anxiety, depression or even ADHD which impacts their ability to consistently and successfully fulfill their place in the partnership?

When you realize that one of you is assuming the role of a parent in your relationship, regardless of the cause, it's time to address it.

Here are some ideas for getting started:

Decide what you want

Take some time to consider if you want to learn to work to fix the issue or even if you want to stay together or if it would be best for you to part ways? How much of a problem is it and how much damage has been done? Do you know how to fix it and how do you know the answers to these questions? Take the time to consider all of the possibilities carefully even if you are afraid of the outcome.

By doing this, you might realize that you and your spouse do (still) have a similar set of values ,principles, needs and desires and that putting effort into your relationship is worthwhile. Things usually deteriorate when partners don’t know what to do and at times that can begin to look like they don’t want to change. 

Back off 

 It may not be easy, but it's time to stand back and allow your partner more chances to participate and take the initiative in the relationship. Instead of just doing it yourself, ask them for advice on how they would approach a situation (even if you feel it won’t work). 

Make decisions jointly and take responsibility for the results, even with smaller things, like household duties.

This may initially make you feel a little anxious, but the idea is that your spouse will rise to the occasion and at least try, which will be the first step in developing your trust in them.

Take a look at yourself

If you've decide to continue to try to make it work, it could be time to work on yourself rather than trying to continue to try to change your partner. To recognize your routine relationship patterns, where they come from and how to maybe approach things differently,  you might even want to speak with a therapist. This doesn’t mean you’re to blame but only that you are open to finding a new way to understand your partner or maybe try a new way of accomplishing what is so important to you both…the relationship. Talking to professional may be all that’s needed to help stop erosion of the relationship and make you both feel good about trying to do it differently.

Do not hesitate to contact me for couples counseling if you are struggling to resolve an issue in your partnership and are encountering difficulties with your partner. A commitment to open communication will help your relationship succeed, develop, and grow.